{Marriage Monday} What I Learned About Forgiveness... (Part 3)

Before couples can "kiss and make up," they need to forgive. Before they can forgive, someone must be humble enough to ask for it. 

And this is where my finale post on forgiveness comes in. Part 1 and Part 2 may be helpful. And as I end this series of lessons learned, I pray that we will continue to grow in loving and forgiving our partners the way Jesus loves and forgives us. I am not perfect as I am still under construction by the wonderful pruning and perfecting hands of my Lord and Savior. (In fact, I find myself always being tested almost every time I finish my {Marriage Monday} posts!) And so is my husband dear. So really, Jesus Christ is the hand that holds all marriages together. Let's always be mindful of His presence and if you want Him to be in your marriage,you have to have Him in your heart because He alone is the Perfect Lover.  

3) FORGIVENESS STARTS WITH HUMILITY. 

I certainly cannot forgive if I feel so perfect. My husband cannot forgive either if he thinks that he is the most upright man in this whole wide world. 

So, in order to forgive, I must know that, just like my husband, I am also bound to sin. I am a sinner and it is only by God's grace that I am saved forever, that just like him, I may commit the same blunder, may say something offensive or may do something stupid. Even if I may not commit the same mistakes as his, the fact still remains that I will commit mistakes and some may even be worse than his. 

On the other side of forgiveness is the ability to ask for it. And it also starts with humility. Say, if I say something that offended my husband, I may find myself justifying my words or actions with any reason, whether it be logical or emotional, but the fact will always remain that I have hurt him. I may have the cleanest of all intentions but if by my tone or approach, my husband was hurt, then, I still have to say sorry and ask him to forgive me. And I need humility in order to do that. 

This lesson, by far, is the hardest pill to swallow. When one of my spiritual mentors told me this, my logically controlling mind was screaming: WHHHAATT? I still need to say sorry even if I am right? 

But later on I learned that, in relationships (friendships included), we should know our priorities. Is being right more important to me than the preservation of my relationship with my husband? Of course not! So, even if I am right, and even if my intentions are for his good, if he feels hurt with what I say, I always ask the Holy Spirit to give me humility to say sorry. 

Perhaps this is quite unpopular with the world today because as I see it, the world tries to portray humility as sooo un-cool and sooo not in. With the rise of social media where flaunting ourselves and what we have is glorified, humility has taken the back seat. In the cut-throat corporate world, we are made to believe that it is better to be powerful than to be weak. And humility is always associated with being weak. 

But the Bible says otherwise. In fact, the greatest thing that ever happened to the human race began with the humility of Jesus Christ. In chapter 2, verses 5-11 of Paul's letter to the Philippians, we are given the most vivid picture of humility as demonstrated by Jesus Christ. 

In his deity and power, He allowed himself to be subjected to human weaknesses so He can understand our sinfulness. Yet, He never sinned. And though He is God Himself, He suffered the Cross and died for us. But He did not remain dead for He was raised again on the third day.  

Us! Who are we to have God die for us? We are filthy and useless sinners, yes! But He chose to die for us and our sins so we can live eternal life with Him. 

This, to me, is mind-blowing! By Jesus' death and resurrection, all my sins are forgiven. Yes, ALL my sins--even those that I hide from anyone else--THESE.ARE.FORGIVEN. Blotted out. Washed clean. 

And it humbles me so much. Let's be honest, it is only ourselves who know the secret things we do in the dark and if we are just to be honest with God, we know how sinful we are. Yet, He forgives us freely and provided His only Son ahead of us.

Practical Application: So, how do I apply this precious truth in my marriage? In conflicts, whether I am the one who needs to say sorry or the one who should forgive, I always look at Jesus, remember who HE is, remember who I was and still am, and remember how much He has forgiven me. It certainly not easy and there were many times that I looked at myself instead of Him, but I praise and thank God for His grace that continually convicts me and changes me to be more like Him! :)

{Marriage Monday} What I Learned About Forgiveness... (Part 2)

Last week, I was down with colds and a very high fever and I had to take a leave of absence for two days. That was my season of rest. Today, aside from my weird voice due to colds, I am fairly okay by God's amazing grace and faithfulness. And I praise my Lord and Savior for finally allowing me to break free from my Monday sickness! Yes, that's my new term for it since I have been weak and sickly almost every Monday. Perhaps, my body longs to have longer weekends? You bet! :)

Anyhow, I am writing this with a very overused brain as I have just finished making a pleading (Demurrer to Evidence, specifically) and entertaining clients, making Counter-Affidavits, etc. As to what are these terms, I hope and pray that I find time to be able to write about what I do and perhaps share some of the vital information in my profession. I am initially planning to call it Legally Aware and Simplified Saturdays. LASS, for short. Hahahaha. But I am not yet sure. I find LASS a bit much trying hard. :D

So, for today, here's Part 2 on What I Learned About Forgiveness. You can read Part 1 first or later. ;)

2) FORGIVENESS MUST BE A WAY OF LIFE FOR BOTH HUSBAND AND WIFE. 

This is not something that is usually taught in psychology or guidance counselling but is always reiterated in the Bible. The Word of God repeats the same lesson/principle (not just for couples but for all of us)--Forgive just as I have forgiven you--and this only means one thing: Forgiveness must be so ingrained in our hearts and minds that it becomes innate in us. It becomes a way of life because that's how the Lord designed us to be--Christ-like. If He, the King of all kings and God of all gods, keeps on forgiving us of our sins, how can we not forgive the sins of others? 

This parable shared by Jesus Christ comes to mind and I am always overwhelmed at how the Lord values the true motives of our hearts than anything else. He wants us to be a revelation of who He is, specifically, His forgiving nature. He wants us to live forgiveness, not because we are good, but because He is good in our lives. Then, in another Gospel book, Jesus reiterates forgiveness and reconciliation.

Practical Application: So, how do we practice forgiveness as a way of life? In our relationship as husband and wife, we must be humble enough to ask for forgiveness once we sense we have hurt or offended the other and be able to give forgiveness when our partners ask us for one. It is inevitable that in our lifetime commitment to stay together that trials and misunderstandings will arise as we are two different individuals. But if we practice forgiveness as a way of life, there will still be misunderstandings and conflicts, but the load will be a whole lot easier. 

A concrete example will be this: If my husband hurts me (intentionally or unintentionally) and he later asks for forgiveness, we immediately tackle the issue. We do not let work or entertainment get in the way. We face the issue and be gracious with forgiveness. 

On my part, if I offend my husband, intentionally or unintentionally, and I sense that he is offended or when he tells me that he is, I might find a thousand reasons not to ask for forgiveness but I choose to eat my pride, acknowledge that I am wrong and that he is hurt and be humble to ask for forgiveness.. 

It is not easy but by the grace of God, this is very much doable. :))

{Marriage Monday} What I Learned About Forgiveness... (Part 1)

I missed two {Marriage Monday} series because I was unexpectedly extremely sick for the last two Mondays, which led to a half-meant joke between me and hubby dear about me being pregnant. But I am now in my menstrual period and as hubby dear and I say, we rely in God's perfect timing. :)

Still, I know not why I have been feeling sluggish lately but my self-explanation is that I have been mindlessly eating junk food or food with less or no nutritional value at all. But, that deserves another blog entry, really. 

For now, let me focus on what I have promised to deliver during my last post: several lessons the Lord has taught me when it comes to forgiveness. Please bear in mind that I am still a work in progress in all aspects of my life so it does not necessarily mean I have learned all these by heart. Sometimes, I had to learn, un-learn, and re-learn several of these and it is only by God's grace that I was able to do so. Also, some of these lessons I have learned first-hand while the others I have learned through the more mature Godly women the Lord has placed in my life. 

This is my NIV Study Bible which I covered with artpaper and prettified with fabric flowers, serving as our Bible during our wedding ceremony. My hubby has a bigger one in the same version and this has helped us in our daily devotionals. One of my favorite parts during our wedding was the Symbols Ceremony where Pastor Joe reminded us that the Bible should always remain our guide and standard in living our lives. Indeed, the Bible--God's Word--has a lot to say about forgiveness and we could very well take advantage of it by applying His principles in our lives as husband and wife! 

1) FORGIVENESS IS CHRIST-LIKE. 

More often than not, I am always lost on how to forgive. Most of the time (back then and until now), I have this tendency to hold on to my emotions, thinking that I have the right and privilege to do so. Then, I learned that holding on to my emotions is like putting myself on the throne of my heart, instead of Christ sitting there because I already have accepted Him as my personal Lord and Savior. I felt like that I have unceremoniously and disrespectfully executed power-grabbing against my King. So, I started to let go of my emotions, telling myself that the throne of my heart rightfully belongs to Jesus. This has made "emotional letting go" so much easier. 

So, how do we forgive like Christ? We forgive based on His truth (the Bible), not on our emotions and standards. The Bible says that we must love and forgive each other just as Christ loves and forgives us.  

How does Christ love me? He loves me by dying for and in my behalf while I am still a sinner. How does He forgive me? He does so by forgiving me always, not by my own righteousness but by His own righteousness which He freely gives to me once I truly accepted Him in my heart. 

Meditating and fully grasping this perfect love and faithful forgiveness of my Lord and Savior allows me to fully appreciate what He did and continues to do in me and in my husband. Knowing how he loves and forgives me provides my guide or standard on how I should forgive my husband (or anyone else who offends me). If I am loved and forgiven by Christ, then, I know that I should also love and forgive the same way he does love and forgive me. 

A flower will not bloom without water and sunlight. So it is with our marriages.
It will not bloom without love and forgiveness. 

Practical Application: How do I love my husband just as Christ loves me? I love him not just for his good qualities but also for his shortcomings and weaknesses (no one is perfect). I love him even if I don't feel like loving him at times. I love him even if he is unlovable at times. 

This is actually easier said than done but it is worth the intentional practice. During times of misunderstanding and conflicts, when my hubby dear offends me with his words or actions, it is quite tempting to sulk in hatred and misery. But I found out that the best way to love him is to hug him or hold his hand and communicate love through the sense of touch. But of course, as I have earlier pointed out, I have not mastered this art and all I can say is that it is all by God's grace that we have emerged victorious in our conflicts. 

One way that my husband communicates love even if I am unlovable is by reminding me with Biblical verses, fitting for my situation. I find it irritating at times (read: pride) but I have come to appreciate this trait of him--always leading me to Christ. 

How do I forgive like Christ? I forgive my husband because it is what God commands me to do. I should not base my forgiveness on whether I feel like forgiving him or not. I should not forgive with conditions. I should not forgive with reservations. I should not forgive with threats. Most of all, I should not delay forgiveness. 

Still a few months into our marriage, we had a big fight. My hubby dear said sorry but I did not want to forgive. I wanted him to learn his lesson the hard way, to make him know how offended I was. But the bitterness in my heart grew and took hold of me. I became prideful and irrational. I walked out of our rented place late at night in a place where both of us were not familiar. And it further complicated things. 

I've learned my lesson since then. The Bible says that as Christians, we must be quick to forgive. Forgiveness must be complete and quick as the Lord has forgiven me. Besides, it is also written that we sin if we do not do the good we know we should do. :) 

Next week, I will be blogging about more lessons I have learned through God's amazing ways :)

*Photos in this post are parts of our Pre-Nup session with Super Seven Studios.